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19 July 2014

Lastly...

So then I said to him, after another cold sip of something that triggers memories,
"He really thinks he's better than me. I think that's what it is. I see these things about how other people find him so "enlightening". Oh yea, he's just a regular saint isn't he? Because people who are so in tune make decisions that completely ruin other people don't they? Shitty that I knew that girl via social media before he did. That was a fun discovery on a hot day."
And he shrugs his shoulders like he does when I rant on before the crowds push in and says, "But what do you care now? What can you do now? Keep being mad? Ok, do that. Keep being mad and keep go back and peeking into it and then stewing over it. Let me know how your insides feel in a few weeks after doing that all the time."
I roll my eyes.
I shake my head.
I take another long drink and put my head into my hand.
"It just makes me mad to know that he's running around like Jesus. Like leaving me was about as easy as blinking and now he's on to the next one and doesn't even bother to acknowledge my existence. It really feels as if the last two years of my life are something I completely made up."
Tears well up. And I put my hand over my eyes and I feel his hand on my shoulder.
"And do you think he's sitting somewhere right now complaining about you? Unlikely. He doesn't care about you. I'm sorry. I don't know him. I never will. But he does not care about you. So you're wasting valuable energy on someone who if you got hit by a bus tomorrow would probably go, 'ah shit, well that's too bad' and then go back to sticking his..."
I put my hand up in his face.
"Listen girl, I'm sure he has moments where he misses you. If he doesn't than there is no chance he is human. I don't know you well but I know you well enough to know. He's trying to play tough. And that's too bad for him."
"I told you about the final day. The tears in his eyes, the 'till we see each other again' the hug..."
He laughs and shakes his head at me like I just told him a bad a joke.
"It was all for him to make him feel better. He doesn't care about you. Not one bit. So you need to stop caring about him."

+++

I'm pushing through this world the best way I know how to. And no, there isn't any "settled point of view here." And you're right, on the other side of pain is growth... so here's your "growth and motion."
This will be the last time I talk about you on here. I get it now. Harboring hatred is like swallowing poison and hoping the other person dies.

+++

I pour the last of my drink into my mouth and toss my cup into the trash can. I pull the bar rag from my hip and wipe my cheeks.
"Yea... you're right. I was looking for meaning in things that were... well fucking meaningless."
"If I high fived I would high five you right now. But I don't. So tell me about about this late night Tuesday adventure with a boy who might actually have heart."
I smile and shove the bar rag into my back pocket. As I walk over to the cooler to check the stock on the beer I plan on selling out of tonight I feel the smile hit my face and and a wave of calm rush over me.
"You know," I say with my back to him, hand tapping out a rhythm on the glass cooler door, "I am a bad ass bitch."
I hear him laugh.
"No really though. And what's great about that.. is a) that I know it and b) that every time someone has doubted that and fucking dips out on me like a quitter, doesn't take long before they realize it again and that tinge of regret that hits that one part of you heart... you know what I'm talking about? That regret poke that you try to shake off physically when it hits? It's sorta like waking up and reading drunk texts, you know?" I turn around and check his face for understanding and he is smiling, "Oh yea little flower... I know that feeling."
"Yea. Every time I've been hurt I find solace in the fact that at some point, at some fucking glorious point, all those fucking assholes will have a moment where I cross their minds and then that tinge and hard poke, it hits. And trust this big ego when I say, you can't shake hard enough to get that feeling to go away when it comes to me."
Now I'm smiling and shaking my head and waving my finger at him. Partly trying to change my mood and partly relishing in what I know and hope to be true.
"God, it's so great that you are SO humble."

+++

I have regrets. I would be lying if I didn't. There are things I wish I wouldn't have said. Moments of "acting out" that I wish I could take back. But I can't sit in that place anymore. It will likely destroy me. And I have too much left of this empire to build to let what's already standing get torn down by some fucking asshole who can just put his energy into someone new so quickly.

"We find comfort among those who agree with us -- growth among those who don't." Frank A. Clark.

Take that shit and fucking text it.

Here let me take a cue from you: on to the next one.

-xo

17 July 2014

Reconnect

"Is reconciliation possible?"
"The farther we get from it, the more time there is to think, and the more I go from adoration to hate and hurt."
"But?"
"There wasn't a but... also, there has been no to attempt to even say hi, so. Actions speak loudly because words haven't even tried to."
"But?"

-xo

16 July 2014

Highway Hit List

The worst is over.
You can have the best of me.
(insert sounds of tires meeting raised lane markers)

-xo