The world is a confusing place. What a bold statement...
This planet is a jumbled mess of moving things all with a place to be but not a solid reason to be there, pushing and shoving their way through other people with the same purpose. I am feeling very bleak lately. If you couldn't tell. I turned 27 and fell down the rabbit hole. And right now, in my story, I am fighting the jabberwocky. A big, emotional, outrageous, over zealous but yet some how very passive, version of myself. Because I am "out of line" and "have things that I need to change." Because someone has made it clear who I am is not ok... and I have taken the other end of the rope and decided that I agree.
I am a glutton for punishment. My track record of relationships of any kind are the best example of that. No one (with the exception of 1) has ever told me that I am ok, just. the. way. I. am.
Which is a difficult thing to battle. To know that my figure pushing through the world has been told over and over again by others that it is not ok. It does not meet standards. It... is not up to snuff.
I spent a good while in a desert trying to figure out who I am. Rebuilding my character after an ex boyfriend took his time tearing it apart, and then officially lit it on fire one night in a mall parking lot. And I came to the conclusion that I was ok. Who I am is an amazing, bright, loving, individual who has a track record of being shoved to the side which has in turn caused bouts of jealousy, un-trust, accusatory statements, and uncertainty. You cannot blame a baby born deaf for not being able describe what a bird sounds like. And yet, I can be blamed for not ever knowing what unconditional love looks and feels like.
Because people leave me.
In the middle of the night.
In an empty parking lot.
In a park.
In a car.
In a bank when I was just doing what I was told.
And when they return (because they always do), they tell me how sorry they are that something I did made them leave.
And I take ownership, even if it wasn't really my fault. Because all I want... all I have ever wanted... was someone to say with full honesty that they love me, for who I am, for what I bring to the table.
No one gets it.
God. What a sad fucking day. What a tragic 2 months since I fell into 27. I've been pushing around thinking I was on my way... to marriage, to a career, to the pot at the end of the rainbow. When all along, according to others, I've been walking into a wall over and over again with an asshole smile on my face. Because I didn't know. And I never know.
So what do we learn? That if you want the world, you have to compromise your integrity. You can hear and feel your gut instincts, but don't react on them. People are allowed to hurt you deeply, but in the end your actions are always more significant. The world is out to get you really. Sorry.
Here is where I let out a big sigh. While airplanes taking people to better places go past my window continuously.
"Nothing changes over night."
Things do... but rarely in your favor.
Check plus on the corner of my life for being the best at being the worst.
Sound the bell for the next round.
Give me a few weeks and maybe this will all be different. I will go back to writing about how great my life is. And how I finally have what I have always wanted. Half of that is true, and that same half is one foot out the door right now.
Can't put blame though. If you had to put up with me you would do the same... or you have done the same.