15 March 2015

I started this blog back up actively in April 2014 with the hopes that I could find some solace in the end of my relationship with Eric. I needed an outlet that I knew other people could find because I felt like no one was listening to me. And at least now, I would know that it was out in the public and I had the chance to be heard.
Since then it has turned into something else. I have been using it as a way of hopefully connecting back to Eric somehow. Thinking maybe he would be reading it. So it started to lose it's original intent. I wanted anyone to hear me, and then I just wanted one person to hear me.
We were able to reconnect when he moved and needed me to get my stuff from our old apartment. We kept in semi-regular contact for about 3 months and he has now told me he doesn't want to be in contact anymore. In all honestly, everything he has put me through is insane. The fact that I have been unable (or maybe unwilling) to get over him is baffling to everyone around me and it's starting to click for me as well. If I wanted to stoop lower I could, but I know the truth and that's good enough for me. Moving on in a relationship is hard. It's especially hard when you didn't want that relationship to end. January to May 2014 was a disaster for me. I haven't fully recouped from that yet. And I think it's complete bullshit to talk to someone and then decide randomly that you don't want to anymore based on "intuition". It's an insult. It's heartbreaking. And although he says he does not feel responsible for anything, in all actuality he is. But I am responsible for letting him back in and thinking it was going to be ok. It's like that man told me in Oregon, "You'd do everything all over again, even the the stuff that hurt because it felt good in the moment." The definition of insanity, really.
I have been very honest about what I've gone through. My miscarriage, my panic disorder, my misadventures here in the valley, and my mistakes in my relationship. Everything I have put on here is true and fair. I have admitted to a lot. I have owned up. And in the end the only actions I can control are my own. But remember, after the game the king and the pawn go into the same box.

I have decided to cut strings all over the place now. Because MY intuition is telling me that most things are complete bullshit and I don't need to make brain space for that stuff anymore. This blog has connected me with a lot of great people, has given me some wonderful opportunities, and provided an outlet and a voice. But now I need to lay low for good I think. I took hiatus back in November to please a potential publisher and now I am taking hiatus to genuinely work on moving forward.

If you know me, you know how to reach me. And if you don't - get out there and make good decisions and appreciate everything. Because you can't control the actions of others and you never know when things might change. Life is damn short.

And you know what. Eric was right. It just wasn't me he was right about.