tragic

I think I worry about myself more than others do. I see my potential in both directions and worry about what might happen to me no matter which path I choose. My worry for myself causes me to be upset that others aren't doing the same thing for me. I am not selfish. I worry about everyone all of the time, it is my biggest flaw. But my concern for myself by far outweighs most things in my life. This is a constant in my personality since I was small. I was not timid, but I would spend a lot of time after actions self assessing and worry about potential consequences of everything I did. Worry wart.

I want happiness, and fulfillment. And the more I think about how I want that, the more I worry it will never come. So instead of sitting idle and being thankful, I twitch and squirm and bite my nails. It bothers people. It bothers me.

I think worrying is a condition. Like a form of anxiety but with lack of medications to calm it. Or maybe it is learned. Or maybe, it's a result of situations that were out of my control. Or were in my control but I wasn't doing enough about them.

 Anyway. I worried a little less this weekend, and it was nice.

-xo

cities

Things keep changing. Since January 2012 my life has sort of been in rotation. I am doing a full 180, and shits still spinning and I am not sure exactly when I get to land. And I am sure, once I do put my house down on solid ground (maybe even landing on a witch) there will still be stuff to sort out. Because things don't make sense, and then they do, and then they don't even more so than they did before. 

And I pee myself a little. And scream in my car on the ride home. 

My job life is more stable, but still in the tornado. My relationships are always evolving, and sometimes dissolving. And I have come to terms with being ok with things that I am not ok with, and smiling when I want to punch walls, and laughing when I want to pick a fine curse word to throw around instead. 

Just because my house is still spinning, it doesn't mean that I don't have a grip of what I want. Because I do. I mean I think I do. Well most days I do. Today I did. It's just communicating the decoration of the house once it does fall, that I lack. I can communicate with my employers that I want more money, I can communicate with my co-workers that they should make different choices. But I cannot communicate with myself that I am sometimes unhappy, and I cannot communicate with those closest to me that sometimes they put me there. 

Not properly, at least.

More like a 2 year old.

More like an uneducated asshole with the social skills of a rock.

It seems like I am getting more life lessons than I have wanted in the last few months. I should write a book. Or blog. Or something.

Never-the-less, I am future focused. Bright eyed and ignorant. But still future focused and it is starting to not matter to me whether anyone else wants to play with me or not.

-xo

text only.

I am a mean girl.
Ask around.
I've got bad intentions, laced with venom that often comes pouring out.

I am not your friend.
Tell them all.
I like to judge, hold a grudge, and I never take the fall.

I have no clue.
It's written on my face.
I sleep backwards, cry when I'm happy, lie to keep my place.

I am not yours.
I decided that myself.
I owe my own problems to someone who can solve them.
And that someone is somebody else.


-xo