21 October 2014
I'm focused on a hang nail. Picking picking picking. Biting biting biting. I reply without looking up.
"Fine I guess. I've sort of stopped focusing on it. You know. I've stopped trying I guess."
I finally make eye contact and smile. I squeeze my eyes together 3 times and go back to my nails.
"But you...talked to him... right? Or am I confused?"
"Oh yea. I talked to him. You know. Small talk. Nothing with impact. Though maybe talking at all was impact. Or maybe it meant nothing. It probably meant nothing."
She is leaning down now, trying to catch my eyes.
"So did you ask him if you could meet? You have been saying if you were given the chance to ask you would ask. It sounds like the chance came."
I look up and smile again. Tug at my ears. Rub my nose.
"Oh. Yea. I asked."
"And....? I mean. Nothing."
I shrug. Smile. Squeeze my eyes while tugging my ears.
"He doesn't want to see me, Susan. I mean, we didn't need to ask him to know that, right?"
I have moments of clarity. When I'm standing in the road. Letting the sun hit my eyes. And I feel my entire self go back into my body. And I take in deep breaths. Smile. Rub my hands over my face.
"What're you doing?" He says. "Are you ok?" He asks. "What's going on?" He says with concern.
I interlace my fingers and put my hands on top of my head.
"I think the Skye is falling."
I wander up and down the hall in my bare feet. Focusing on the way the cold wood floor feels compared to the rug running down the hall. I'm pacing to help myself focus. I'm pacing to regroup. I'm pacing to keep my heart rate steady because these heart palpitations are getting worse. I should call the doctor back. I wander into the backyard and lay on the deck. Watching squirrels. Watching birds. Listening to the neighbor guys lift weights next door. I hum the tune to all of the songs that convey my feelings. I write a blog post about it. I roll onto my stomach on the deck and close my eyes and scream.
"So how are you controlling the urge to ask him questions?"
I look at her and furrow my brow and look to the left.
"Have you ever seen a really cute dog tied up outside of a grocery store? And you want really badly to pet it. It's like this urge and you can't stop it. But you know there is a really good chance that dog is going to bark at you really crazy and scare you and embarrass you. Or worse, it could bite. Do you know this feeling?"
She nods, looking confused.
"But you decide to risk it anyway because maybe someone once told you to take time to pet dogs, or you think it probably won't do anything bad and maybe petting it could be therapeutic. And you're having a bad day and could use some happiness. So you start to walk up slowly saying sweet calm things like, 'Hi puppy. Cute puppy. Sweet puppy. You're a good boy huh?' and you have your hand out so once you finally get close enough it can sniff. You're walking slowly still saying those words and the dog looks timid but you keep going and finally you get there, to it's nose. And it is very cautiously sniffing you. And you freeze. You stand perfectly still because this is progress and if you let it sniff you long enough it will eventually probably let you pet it's head. So you stop breathing normally and just stay very still so you don't fuck it all up. Do you know this?"
She nods again, this time frowning.
"Well, I guess I feel like maybe I am at the hand sniffing and now I'm scared. So I'm holding it together the best I can. So he doesn't bark at me or bite me or run away."
I think I'm crying now. I can't really remember. Even though this was only a few hours ago.
I smile, squeeze my eyes three times, tug my ears, rub my nose, and let out a deep sigh.
"I think it's time I just freeze here and let my mind go away from everything else."
Now I know I'm crying.
"The blog. The book. My phone. It's time to unplug some things and see what happens."
I'm nodding and crying and squinting and biting and rubbing and shifting in my seat.
"I'm stuck in those places anyway."
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes. Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by.
And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone. Or anyone at all. And the grave that you refuse to leave, the refuge that you've built to flee, the places that you've come to fear the most.
19 October 2014
1. It's all alright, yea I guess it's all alright.
2. I feel alright cause I worked it out. I'll be doin this, if you ever doubt till the love runs out.
3. I want to teach you a lesson in the worst the kind of way. Still, I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday.
4. You're so nice and you're so smart, you're such a good friend I have to break your heart. Tell you that I love you then I'll tear your world apart. Just pretend I didn't tear your world apart.
5. how I have been searching for you man, all the while there ain't no birds out here near the cactus, the place where you are lying, but the raw pink sky is clear. I wish somebody'd up and save me.
18 October 2014
"So why are you here?"
I don't know. I think maybe I thought I had an idea about what I was doing but now I'm thinking I don't. I mean I do. I mean... I know what I want but I'm not entirely sure how to get it. I have like... pathways and options but it's hard cause I'm working toward something that is so unsure.
"Doesn't that excite you?"
It does. It really does. However, I just miss the companionship.
"Have you tried to reach out..."
Yea. Yes. Yes I have.
"So the silent readers really like what you're saying."
I'm drinking black coffee from a paper cup and writing on my thrift store jeans in ballpoint pen.
"I feel like that episode of 'Girls' where I'm trying not to brag about the e-book I am writing."
They laugh. It wasn't funny. It wasn't a joke.
"Well, we don't know that'll be even an e-book yet. I mean, we just need some more... you know..."
I jam a pen into the fabric of my chair.
"Listen, Stephanie. This book has legs. And you're the face of a potential disgruntled single girl, child bearing, generation of late 20 somethings who haven't found love and are over the stigma of..."
I stand up, and throw whatever is near. I think maybe a stack of post-its.
"I have found love. I did find it. I did. And for as much as I've said I don't miss it. I do. I DO."
I look around.
Faces are wide.
Mouths are twisted.
My cheeks are wet again.
My chest is heaving.
My hands are in fists.
My toes are curled.
I see bright white dots.
The people are now melting.
"Ugh" I scream. As I fall to the floor.
And the world. goes. black.
I am doing ok. In case you were wondering. I'm living everyday like it's my last. I am happy and healthy most days too. The scale slides a lot though. I am hoping for happenstance and a random moment where I run into you and can act like I don't care at all. Even though I do.