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18 October 2014

Deceptions

"SJC is a well qualified adult who doesn't know her left from her right but can navigate most social situations just fine. She is diminutive and of a higher intelligence but rarely decides to discuss her position on politics as she doesn't read the local paper 'often'. She rubs elbows with the likes of local diplomats and treats them as the normal humans they wish they were. This book is dedicated to the girls with the boom and the boys who more often than not just didn't know better."

+++

"So why are you here?"
I don't know. I think maybe I thought I had an idea about what I was doing but now I'm thinking I don't. I mean I do. I mean... I know what I want but I'm not entirely sure how to get it. I have like... pathways and options but it's hard cause I'm working toward something that is so unsure.
"Doesn't that excite you?"
It does. It really does. However, I just miss the companionship.
"Have you tried to reach out..."
Yea. Yes. Yes I have.

+++

"So the silent readers really like what you're saying."
I'm drinking black coffee from a paper cup and writing on my thrift store jeans in ballpoint pen.
"I feel like that episode of 'Girls' where I'm trying not to brag about the e-book I am writing."
They laugh. It wasn't funny. It wasn't a joke.
"Well, we don't know that'll be even an e-book yet. I mean, we just need some more... you know..."
I jam a pen into the fabric of my chair.
"Listen, Stephanie. This book has legs. And you're the face of a potential disgruntled single girl, child bearing, generation of late 20 somethings who haven't found love and are over the stigma of..."
I stand up, and throw whatever is near. I think maybe a stack of post-its.
"I have found love. I did find it. I did. And for as much as I've said I don't miss it. I do. I DO."
I look around.
Faces are wide.
Mouths are twisted.
My cheeks are wet again.
My chest is heaving.
My hands are in fists.
My toes are curled.
I see bright white dots.
The people are now melting.
"Ugh" I scream. As I fall to the floor.
And the world. goes. black.

+++


I am doing ok. In case you were wondering. I'm living everyday like it's my last. I am happy and healthy most days too. The scale slides a lot though. I am hoping for happenstance and a random moment where I run into you and can act like I don't care at all. Even though I do.

-xo

16 October 2014

And Then...

I said to myself
This isn't what I want. It's mostly what I want but it's not entirely what I want.
Therefore
This isn't what I want.

What I want is back what I had.
And what I'm going to do is
make
it
happen.

Until then
power moves
eyes forward
get all the other pieces in place.

tick tock.

+++

And I am throwing away the letters that I am writing you.
Because they would never do.
I will never do.
Never.

-xo