I sink deeper into my chair and pull my knees to my chest. Taking a look around the room I have a moment where I know where I am, but I have no idea why I'm here. Then I scan back around and catch his eyes, looking right at me.
"Hmm. You know. That is a great question."
I don't have an answer. At least I don't think I do. I run my fingers over the condensation of my glass and make hearts on the table with it. No one should ever under estimate me. That is what I am thinking. I am thinking that whatever he would say about me would be just that. He would be selling me short. And the fact of the matter is... well... never mind.
"I guess it doesn't matter really." He says, feeling a bit guilty and regretting asking. He can tell, just like most can, that is question has my brain doing flips now.
"No, no. I bet he would say that I have stars in my eyes and bees that swarm around my heart."
Saying that makes my stomach feel sick.
Chapter 6 is all about this moment. Sitting here. In this city. In this neighborhood. With this man. Who happened to be a the right place and the right time. Or maybe, the wrong place at the wrong time. Depending on your outlook. Depending on what you know about me. Chapter 6 is about the regroup. It's titled, "Why I Chose to Stop Looking and Start Closing My Eyes More #liveitloveitshoveit"
"What does that mean? Bees?"
I laugh. And shake my head. Catch a glimpse of my hometown hero's on tv and look back at him. Right in his brown eyes.
"It means... That they are keeping my heart big, and hurting it at the same time. Because I love to a fault, and a lot of that is based on the fact that I can't help but get hurt. I see the flowers covered in bees, and I stick my nose in for a sniff anyway. Because some asshole once told me to stop and smell the flowers and for some reason, some god forsaken reason, I always go for the flowers that are covered in bees. They must be the best ones right? The best flowers have the most bees. They are the sweetest, the most accomplished. And every time I get stung, my heart collects a new bee. And I can't shake them. I've named them. Eric. Mark. Andrew. Joel. And so on, and so on..." My voice trails on and I feel my eyes get big..."You know what I need!?" I say, slamming my feet on the floor and grabbing for his hands that are resting calmly on the table. "Um, you need another beer I think?" I put my head down. Forehead to table, "No." I say, talking to the wood. "I need BUG SPRAY."
He laughs hard.
Then I laugh. And start to cry, but just a little.
"It's time to make time to take time to get over it all. I'm working my fucking ass off right now hustling my way to where I actually want to be, which is far from where I was when I thought I was where I wanted to be. This isn't some hashtag universe bullshit either. And I can talk about. Be about. Live about. Then talk SHIT about it and still be ok about it because fuck your shit and your whatever."
His eyes get big and he shifts his head backwards. I go to take my hands back to my lap but he just grabs them harder, "You be you, doll. That big sexy brain and those weirdo thoughts. They get it. You get it. They don't. They didn't."
We sit like this for a few beats then I say, "Never under estimate me. What I can do. What I know. What I've been through. How I got here. How I left there. Where I am going. And never under estimate my ability to find shit out. Creep that, peep that, blah blah blah."
He reaches for my cheek and pinches it.
"Oh doll, don't you worry."
When they read this they said, "Genius really. This moment. The way you talk about it and write about it. We just need..."
I slam my notebook shut and sit up from the big table, "This is what you're getting. You can't ask for a favor and put conditions on it. You can't say I love you and then throw in the word 'but'. If you want more of anything you'll have to reach out to Eric or the boy who was at the table in that moment."
They look at each other, look at me, look at each other again.
"When will you be thinking about chapter 7?"
Buzz, buzz, buzz. Doc, there's a hole where something was.