20 March 2014

Talkers Get Walkers

The truth is a nasty thing. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't. Catch 22. Bitch ass motherfucker. However, I've always lent myself to the side of I'd tell the truth and have someone hate me, than lie and have it come back in my face while sitting at a bar having a drink with my significant other. A lie sucks, but a lie realllly fucking sucks when it comes from the mouth of the person who wasn't lying.
I've been cheated on and then told about it by the girl who was spreading her legs for a guy in a relationship. I'd much rather punch him in the face on the reveal than her. You know?
In terms of my current situation: telling the truth means giving me a chance to get back to where I was before you started lying to me all the time. Because, I'm going to find out one way or another. Better it be from your mouth than someone else. Right? I mean that makes sense, doesn't it? Or am I having another "crazy" moment?
In other news, I've been thinking about friends a lot lately. What they mean. Who they are. What they do. We teach our girls at camp that a good friend tells the truth and wants the best for you. They stick up for you and cheer you up when you're sad. I think I've got friends like that. But I think people in my life are making friendship choices that don't reflect that. When your "best friend" talks trash about someone close to you... well... maybe that's an indicator that that person isn't the best pick. And you should make better choices. It all comes back to what we teach children. Or maybe what we should be reteaching adults who act like children.

I think I need to take a sabbatical. Or maybe a hiatus. Or maybe a long walk off a short cliff.



06 March 2014


Spring is quickly approaching. This is the time of year when people purge things. Spring is a euphemism for you have too much shit so make like a flower and blossom. Or something. My earthly awakening came on valentines day. That's right. The day of love brought me to conclusions about the shit I need to toss. My mental closet is too full. And this time I need to get rid of the things I wear the most. This should be a blog of bad analogies. Fake a bad analogy if you aren't good at expressing your real feelings any other way.

Anyway. What I am trying to say is... every day is the first day of my new year lately. Mostly, that's good. I am constantly thinking about the things I can change. Stuff I can improve. New good habits I can form. But it also adds a lot of pressure. And concern for if I am making the right choices. Picking the right things. Also, it sets in the realization that I am constantly developing and have things to work on, which...by the way, isn't the most comforting of feelings. Even though all those romantic photos of sunsets with inspiring quotes I see on pinterest tell me it should be. A sunsets and sunset.

I am working daily. Let's just say that.


30 January 2014

no photographic evidence

I have been relieving stress in the form of writing.
Writing and crying in the shower, if I must be honest.
I think crying in the shower is the best way. You're already wet. No one can see you.

I have been writing a lot of nonsense. I spent a great deal of time last night writing an email proclaiming how utterly awful I am in various ways. Because what's a Wednesday without some self hating proclamations? Am I right?
I just don't know what to do anymore. And when fight or flight kicks in I almost always weigh all flight options first. Maybe I need a women's retreat. Maybe I need a cheap hotel and a bottle of vodka.
So here is what I am thinking now: I don't suck that bad, in all actuality. I am very reactionary, yes. But I don't suck. Maybe you suck, honestly. I have faults. Downsides. Down days. But I am not as horrible as you would like me to admit. No sir. No ma'am. No way.

I don't think I have much else to say.