24 November 2015


I've sat across from a few people now.
Trying to dissect why it won't work.
Attempting to figure out why I'll sabotage it.

"You're beautiful."
I smile blankly everytime.
I nod and shrug and act coy.
I take a sip of beer and roll my eyes.
"Yea, anyway..."

I've sat across from too many people now.
Trying to pretend like it could work.
Imagining myself introducing them to my friends.
Taking them on trips.
Knowing the whole time that I'll sabotage it.

"Hard to believe a girl like you is single."
I smile with my whole being or else I can't fake it.
I nod and shrug and roll my eyes.
"Yea, anyway..."


I sit across from my best friend. And tell her how things are going. And how they aren't. And how I feel like I am just trying to keep busy until you come around, "because he's going to you know." And she looks at me sadly and just says, "yea" and changes the subject. And I tell her that the reason none of these dates work out is because they aren't supposed to.The fucking damned universe already knows who I am supposed to be with and that's why I only get 1 date, maybe 2 under my belt before they decide that I'm no good. And she rubs her forehead and says, "yea maybe." and orders a second beer.
I'm convinced but I'm not convincing.


"Tell me about your past relationships."
I smile and nod and count to 5 and say,
"Oh you know, they happened."
Take a drink, look away, clear my throat, look back, make eye contact, smile.

Why do I keep doing this when I know
when I know full well
when I know exactly
when I know that this isn't my reality.
I hit the pause button on all of this
the day I left that driveway.

(my person, oh person...out near the opposite ocean)

"I don't get how a girl like you is still single."
Oh but darling, you barely know me.


I'm convinced, but I'm not convincing.