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14 February 2015

Tough Girl

The day of love is upon us.
And I've never felt better.

Sometimes life is about exploring options and kissing frogs then going home and cuddling yourself because no one is better than you in any given moment.

Hey girl, you got nice eyes.

-xo

08 February 2015

Hail Mary

Journal Entry Date: December 15th 2014

"When an epiphany hits, it's like being stung by a bee. You don't see it coming. You were probably minding your own business and then all of sudden... burn, sting, wince, and maybe a curse word or two. Unlike a bee sting, you can't scrape out an epiphany and then go on with your day.
About 4 days before the bee stung back in April, I had decided I was done. I sat in the shower and cried until I wasn't sure I was crying anymore and then I wrote 4 pages on why. Why the relationship was over. Why I wasn't going to sit by and be third place to anyone else anymore. Why I didn't deserve to be treated as though I had killed someone after I had a mental breakdown over the loss of a baby. My plan was to read it at the next therapy session. And to spend those last few days before that finding myself firm in this epiphany: We are meant for each other, but not right now. Right now we have both decided to wage war and someone needs to let up or the whole community would go under.

The night he came home bubbly and drunk I tried to read those 4 pages to him. As a, "yea well guess what!?" but I couldn't. He had stolen my thunder. I think I was more mad about that than anything else."

She's writing furiously. Brow furrowed. Looking up at me from time to time checking my facial expression.
"I'm confused..." she mutters. "You had plans to break up with him before he broke up with you? But I thought you didn't see it coming?"

I roll my eyes.

"I didn't see it coming from him. But I knew it was coming from me. The truth is, Susan... I probably wasn't going to go through with it. That's why I was waiting to pull the plug. I was waiting for him to change his direction. Change my spot on the list of things in his life. I think maybe I hoped that if  I confronted him with the idea of losing me that he would realize just how perfect we are for one another. Rattle his cage a little. Shock the system...." I close my eyes to just let the tears know they can start falling already, just jump.
"I probably wouldn't have ever done it, actually. It's good that he did."

+++

We are all just trying to make it through the storm. We are all just praying, "Please God, just get me through this." We don't know what the other side is going to look like, we aren't preparing for what might be there. All we know is that if given the chance to get through the hell we will do everything we promised we would do before the clouds ever even gathered.
But what if there isn't anything there?
What do we do then?
I've always said I can handle anything. My track record since birth proves it.
I was wrong, but I was right about one thing.
I was right about you. I was right about this.

-xo

01 February 2015

Updates

February is for:
1. Remembering loss and taking it to a learning level. Thinking about what could have been, and turning it into what could be some day if I can maintain a good sense of self. Also knowing that the goal placement changes based on the movement of the tides.
2. The new "new".
3. Letting other people do what they are meant to do in my life. Stop dictating what I day dream about them doing when I can't focus.
4. Art school applications. And visiting to east and west coasts to determine territory. See you soon ____________.
5. Letting people in. At least 1 foot step in. Cause, c'mon Stephanie. For fucks sake. The land is like a Goddamned fortress. Let a gate slip open or something.
6. Admitting that I am still trying to get back what I lost, but also not giving anyone ANY pleasure in it.
7. Rebuilding.
8. Keeping notes.
9. Answering the phone. Because apparently some people call now.
10. Revamping "Upward Movement Management" to being the actual sample of the book I am terrified to send out. I will make you proud, I swear.
11. You.
12. Adventure.
13. Love.

-xo