11 October 2015

truth

Excitement has turned to nausea has turned to wondering if this is even a good idea.
Because as much as I'd like to think that I am over it.
Done with it.
Moved on from it.
The thought of you still sends a shooting feeling from my brain to every limb and my hands shake and I get goosebumps on my skin. And I have to remember...
breath in.
breath out.
breath in.
breath out.
And people who know keep asking about it and I keep shrugging about it and shaking my head about it and changing the subject... because I'm
Done with it.
Moved on from it.

Except that I'm not. Except that I have practiced that first 2 minutes over and over and over. Out loud, quietly in my head, in the car ride to and from, in the shower while soap runs down my skin.

"Don't go in thinking it's something it's not. You're essentially putting your heart out on the table and handing him a knife by doing this. You know that, don't you? You know what you're doing right?"

Excitement goes in and out and turns to terror and concern and thinking that maybe, just maybe, it's best that I don't.
Because as much as I'd like to think I don't still want you.
Don't need you.
Don't miss you.
The little reminders of being back in this city of things we did and ways we laughed and how your hand felt holding mine are all over the place. And I have to stop, often mid step, and close my eyes and count to 10 and try to think about anything else. And I have to remember...
you are good.
you are great.
you are worth it.
And people who know keep asking what I am going to do "if..." and I shrug and shake my head and say I'm not even thinking about it cause it's like, whatever. Because I
Don't need you.
Don't miss you.

Except that I do. All of the time even when I think I don't. And I am working really hard at trying to remember that this is just another moment on the map and the road is still going and it won't necessarily include a stop where you tell me you messed up and you miss me too.

"Don't get your hopes up. I mean, he could be doing this to just tell you that he doesn't ever see you and him being anything again. This could be a mistake. You are sure about this? Have you really thought it through?"

100 times.
More than once a day at the beginning.

Excitement has turned to nausea has turned to dizziness has turned to...

1 day.

-xo

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