13 October 2015

post test

I can't even put this in the most scattered of forms.
Because the pieces are so far apart that I'm not even sure what adjectives it would take to bring them back together.

Seeing you for sure took a lot of things out from the crevices where I had been hiding them. And it sealed up a lot of things that were left loose. But still nothing feels put back correctly. And no amount of time across tables could explain what happened a year ago.
And I didn't want to know.
And I didn't need to know.
That you felt like you were doing me a favor. By letting me go. By sending me down a rabbit hole that I still have not been able to crawl out of.
And I did my best to bite my tongue at that comment.
Because you know.
I haven't been shy about it. I've been screaming out since January of last year. It's just the methods have changed. The tactics are more thought out.
And I guess.
Maybe.
The desire has dwindled as well.

But my heart still goes to the moon and back at the sight of you.
And a hug on a street corner can only mend so much.
While also doing so much damage.

And I did what I promised myself I wouldn't.
I cried.

Then
I tucked myself in.
I told myself that it was ok.
That missing you was ok.
That still wanting you was ok.

And now I'm back at the start trying
to remember all that I taught myself since you left me.

All I want to do is get back what I lost.
But I don't even think it's there anymore.

So 3,000 miles are keeping me in check.

It's the fight against regression
round 2.


I just need a few more minutes...

-xo

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