27 June 2015

converations

"Just listen to me for a second."

(eyes slightly open head tilted inward, look of annoyance)

"I didn't ask for this. I didn't jump into that relationship with the fore thought that I would be sitting in this shit hole right now, alone, broken hearted, and still trying to find the logic behind anything that's happened to me in the last year and half. I didn't. I asked for someone to love me and take care of me and enjoy me for the fucking goddamned disaster that I am. And I thought I had it. I thought I had it on street corners and carpeted floors, and late nights turned sunrise options. I thought I did..."

(long sip of beer and a head shake. A shrug for good measure)

"See the bullshit of it all is...is people say that they can weather any storm. That there isn't anything 'that person' could do that would change their opinion of them. 'I will always love you' and 'unconditionally, except for' come shooting out of liar liar mouths. And then turn into 'I love you but' and 'I just want what's best for you and'. Fucking shots through the heart at 2:45 in the morning when they stumble home drunk after seeing your friend at the bar and talking some shit."

(check the iphone, pour another beer)

"And then, and then you drive away and you go on this journey and they ignore you and then they come back and jokingly threaten to show up at your house and get all playful and lead you on and send photos of themselves at 3am in a hotel gym... and then they fucking decide to fall off again. Because 'timing' and 'not ready' and really, really because they are an asshole. And you knew that on the second date but you kept going anyway."

(open your mouth to start talking but there isn't a real pause)

"So I sit here and I go back and forth and I go on dates and hate every fucking guy that tries at all because you shouldn't have to try but I am making you because I am closed off and no we are never going to hold hands in public and no I don't want you introduce me as your girlfriend and sorry I can't hang out tonight because I'd rather rot in my bathtub and cry over my unpublished piece of shit book and drink whiskey than be anywhere near anyone."

(throw your head back in frustration)

"So no, I didn't ask for this. I didn't see this coming. I didn't go into saying I would be ok when they left me because I DIDN'T think they would and then they did and now they are on the east coast counting their universal blessings and I'm about to embark again on yet another life changing journey all thanks to something I didn't ask for and something they want credit for. Some bullshit. Some fucking bullshit. And the best part, do you want to know the best part?"

(shrug)

"He wouldn't fucking even know me if he met me now. I am a just a hint of who I was then. Because that's what tragedy does to you. It either keeps you stuck or it forces you to peel back the layers and reinvent. I tore myself down to the basics and rebuilt. Because I packed on some shit to fit a mold I thought he wanted. What a fucking girl I was. What a insecure, sad, waif of a fucking female I was."

(you open your mouth again then just sigh. why bother.)

"It's ok though. Really. I mean it has to be anyway. If I don't let it be ok and forgive and forget then moments like this aren't just every month they are everyday. No one wants this shit. God bless the next asshole who tries to change me. God fucking bless their stupid fucking brain."

(laugh. pass her another cold beer. and ask about her plan now.)

"Forward movements and eyes to the sky, dude. I have no time for anything else anyway."

-xo

No comments:

Post a Comment

Oh hi there!